I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
