i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
