I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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