nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
