Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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