just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
