I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
