I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
