I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
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we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
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I have fence marks all over my body
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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