At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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