Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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