Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
