I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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