I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
