3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She told me I should be a condom model.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
