Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.