Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
