Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
