Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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