Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
