im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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