I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
