dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
