Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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