And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The air was thick with penises
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
