an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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