I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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