So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
