The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Alive.
So much puke
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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