bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
