I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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