man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
