why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
