maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
