My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
please don't ironically join a cult
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