I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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