Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
