Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
