I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
