Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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