i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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