I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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