Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
