hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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