need another drink. this is the easiest way
from now on my penis is your penis
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
