I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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