I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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