UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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