Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
