Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
