I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
