Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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