Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
