Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
