When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
