then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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