I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i think i have two assholes
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
