theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
