Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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